HalfBaked
by FreakTard
Summary: I wrote this as sort of a prank - it's a long story, but basically it comes from me wondering if Anton is going to show up in Season 4 and what kind of trouble that could lead to. It's pretty tame, but I rated it M for cussing and drug use. Enjoy.


INT. ANTON'S APARTMENT – EARLY EVENING

DEB and ANTON are in the kitchen. Anton is taking some brownies out of the oven.

DEB

(reaching for brownies)

Mmmmm . . . those smell fucking amazing!

ANTON

Uh, I wouldn't if I were you.

DEB

Why not? Wait . . . those aren't what I think they are. Are they? Anton . . .

ANTON

What? They're for the band.

DEB

So you thought you guys were all going to get high in front of me and I wouldn't notice? Jesus, Anton . . . you know what? Fuck it. We need to get to the store before people start showing up.

There is a knock at door

DEB

Crap, it's Dexter. What's he doing here so early?

Deb opens the door. DEXTER is on the doorstep holding a six-pack and a bag of chips.

DEXTER

Hey.

DEB

Jesus, Dex, you're an hour early!

DEXTER

You said "eightish."

DEB

Yeah, but it's 7:15.

DEXTER

That's eight-ish.

DEB

(exasperated)

Whatever. Anton and I have to run to the store. Just make yourself at home.

DEXTER

Okey dokey.

Deb and Anton leave. Dexter wanders over to the kitchen counter and spots the brownies. He hesitates for a moment, then gives in and starts stuffing his face.

DEXTER

(V.O.)

Deb won't mind. The brownies are for guests and I'm a guest, right? Good thing the Code of Harry doesn't say anything about snack food. And after all, I_am_ a sociopath. It's not like I can help myself.

Dexter chuckles to himself and helps himself to another brownie.

INT. ANTON'S APARTMENT - ONE HOUR LATER

Deb and Anton come in with their arms full of ice, beer and other last-minute party supplies. Dexter is sitting in front of the TV with a glazed expression.

DEB

Damnit, I can't believe we forgot toilet paper. Remember what happened last time?

ANTON

Don't remind me. What's up, Dexter? Sorry we were gone so long.

DEXTER

(spacily)

I like this show.

DEB

God, Anton, Pabst Blue Ribbon? Who drinks this shit?

DEXTER

I think the blue one might be gay.

DEB

What the fuck . . . ?

Deb crosses the room to see what Dexter is watching

DEB

Are you watching the _Teletubbies_? What the fucking fuck?

ANTON

Hey! Who ate all the brownies?

DEB

Don't look at me . . .

(then, as the realization dawns on her)

. . . oh shit. Dexter? Did you eat those brownies that were on the counter?

DEXTER

Huh? Oh, those. Sorry, I was hungry.

Dexter begins to giggle, as Deb begins to freak out.

DEB

Oh fuck. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Shit. Fuck.

ANTON

What?

DEXTER

What?

DEB

(yelling)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHAT?" LOOK AT HIM ANTON, HE'S STONED! My BROTHER is STONED! As in, HIGH ON ILLEGAL DRUGS!!! FUCK!!!!!

DEXTER

Ow, quit yelling.

ANTON

(laughing)

Hey, I didn't tell him to eat them. They were for the band. And they were expensive!

DEXTER

(suddenly paranoid)

I gotta get out of here.

Dexter gets up and slips out the door as Anton and Deb continue to argue.

DEB

You think this is funny?

ANTON

Well, yeah.

EXT. PARKING LOT BEHIND ANTON'S BUILDING – NIGHT

Dexter is staggering around the parking lot, stoned out of his mind.

DEXTER

(V.O.)

What the hell is going on? I feel kind of . . .

. . . funny . . .

He notices HARRY leaning against a car, wearing a tie-dye T-shirt and smoking an enormous bong.

DEXTER

Dad? What is this? What's happening?

HARRY

You're stoned, you idiot.

DEXTER

What? How?!

HARRY

The brownies? Anton's brownies?

DEXTER

Oh.

HARRY

I'd advise you to just go with it.

DEXTER

"Go with it"?! I'm a control freak, I don't "go with" things.

HARRY:

Okay, then. Good luck with that.

Harry laughs and disappears.

DEXTER

(sarcastic, bitter)

"Go with it." What is that even supposed to mean? Gee, thanks, Dad. (pause) Fucking Anton.

Just then Dexter notices a cat. He gets a predatory gleam in his eye.

DEXTER

Here, kitty kitty . . .

The cat takes one look at Dexter and flees in terror down an alleyway. Dexter follows. As he disappears down the alley, Deb comes down the stairs. She doesn't see Dexter.

DEB

DEXTER! Where the fuck is he? I'm gonna KILL Anton . . .

EXT. BUSINESS DISTRICT – NIGHT

Dexter is stumbling down the sidewalk, trying to clear his head.

DEXTER

(V.O.)

Where the hell am I? How long does this stuff last, anyway? I've got to come down eventually, right? Maybe if I just keep walking. God, I hate this. I can't believe people do this for fun . . . . . . wow . . . . my feet are really . . . . big . . . and is the sidewalk really squishy, or is it the drugs? And who am I talking to, anyway?

A police car drives by, taking no notice of Dexter.

DEXTER

(paranoid)

SHIT! They can see me! They KNOW! FUCK!!!!

Dexter ducks into a video store.

INT. DEB'S CAR – NIGHT

Deb and Anton are out looking for Dexter.

ANTON

Come on, Deb, I'm sure your brother can take care of himself. What is he, retarded?

DEB

You don't understand. Dexter has never been high in his life.

ANTON

No shit? I just kind of assumed that he must have done his share of tripping back in the day.

DEB

What's that supposed to mean?

ANTON

I don't know if you've noticed, but he's kind of weird. Hey, is that him?

DEB

Yeah. Finally!

STORE-NIGHT

Dexter is standing in front of a display featuring horror movies like the "Saw" series, "Hostel" etc. Dexter is enthralled by the gory images.

DEXTER

. . . wow . . . cool . . .

Deb and Anton come up behind him.

DEB

Uh . . . Dexter?

DEXTER

(casually)

Oh, hey Deb. What are you doing here?

This irritates Deb, who tries to conceal her annoyance.

DEB

(as if she's speaking to a child)

We brought you donuts. But you have to get in the car to get them.

DEXTER

Donuts . . . I like donuts.

DEB

Okay, then, let's go.

DEXTER

Wait . . .

DEB

(trying to control herself)

What now?

DEXTER

I want to rent some movies.

DEB

WHAT!? You're fucking kidding, right?

DEXTER'S P.O.V.

Deb's eyes are glowing red, as her head spins around 360 degrees and she bellows in a demonic voice:

DEMONIC DEB

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Dexter's eyes widen in terror and he looks like he's going to bolt again. Anton sees this and intervenes.

ANTON

You want to rent some movies? That's cool. We can watch them at the party. What do you have in mind?

INT. VIDEO STORE – TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Dexter, Deb and Anton are at the video counter. Dexter has a pile of horror movies. Deb is seething with impatience.

DEXTER

(confused)

Account? I need an account?

VIDEO CLERK

We can open one for you now, if you like. Do you have a credit card and ID?

DEXTER

(fumbling with his wallet, too stoned to deal)

Uhhhhhhh . . . .

DEB

Oh for fucks's sake. This is all your fault Anton, YOU rent the fucking movies.

DEXTER

God, Deb, you're so uptight.

ANTON

(amused, to Dexter)

I know, right?

Anton is thoroughly enjoying the situation, which only adds to Deb's annoyance.

DEB

I should just fucking arrest you both.

This alarms Dexter. He stares at his sister in horror as his paranoia returns in full force.

DEB

Come on, Dex, let's go wait in the car.

DEXTER

(shaking his head)

I don't wanna get in the car.

DEB

What is it now?!

ANTON

(soothingly, to Dexter)

But we have donuts. Tell you what, Deb will rent the movies and we'll go eat us some donuts.

DEXTER

(dubiously)

Well . . . alright, then . . .

Dexter follows Anton to the car, casting suspicious looks at his sister. Deb is left at the counter with an annoyed video clerk and a huge stack of DVDs.

DEB

Assholes.

INT. ANTON'S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT

Dexter is back in front of the TV, surrounded by empty beer bottles and junk food. Bloodcurdling screams are emanating from the TV. ANTON'S BANDMATES are glaring resentfully at Dexter, and several PARTY GUESTS are eyeing him nervously as he sits giggling maniacally and cheering on the action on the screen. None of the dozen or so guests appreciates Dexter's choice of entertainment.

DEXTER

YEAAAAHHHHH!!!

(turning to woman sitting next to him)

Isn't this great?

The WOMAN looks disturbed and moves away.

Deb and Anton are in the kitchen.

ANTON

Has anyone seen my cat?

DEB

No.

ANTON

She's probably just hiding. You know how cats are.

DEB

Actually, I don't know. We never had any pets growing up.

ANTON

Really? Why not?

DEB

You don't want to know.

Dexter's phone rings. Deb picks it up.

DEB

Oh shit, it's Rita. Better not let her talk to Dexter. (answers phone)

Hello? Oh hey Rita, how was your work thing? Yeah he's here, he's just, um, in the bathroom.

Just then DEXTER lets loose with a loud whoop from the living room.

DEXTER

YEAAHHHHH!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!!!!

DEB

No, that was one of Anton's friends. They're watching, uh, hockey or something. Listen, Dexter's had a little too much to drink tonight, I think he should just crash here. No, no, no! Don't come get him. It's no problem, really.

(rushing)

OkaySeeYouTomorrow,Bye!

DEB hangs up the phone.

DEB

Jesus, that was close.

Another burst of noise from the living room, consisting of the sounds of chainsaws, screaming, and demented cackling from Dexter.

DEB

God, I wish he'd hurry up and pass out already.

ANTON

You know, I'm starting to think that your brother isn't quite right.

DEB

Well no shit, Sherlock.

DEXTER

(shouting, from living room)

Hey, do we have any more donuts?


End file.
